To my old self...

It's 4:10 am, and I cannot sleep.  I hate a quiet house.  My mind races in a quiet house.  And that is never good.

I have come to the conclusion that I am unlovable.  I have spend many sleepless nights wondering why no man has ever truly loved me.  And anyone who says beauty is on the inside...well, come live the life of a not so attractive person (me).  Then tell me that BS again, and see if you actually believe it.

All my life, I have had to make up for my lack of looks.  So I worked on having an outstanding personality.  Which I did.  But all that accomplished was me getting used, lied to, and taken advantage of.

It's funny how men say they don't like fake women.  How they don't like women with a weave, fake nails, fake hair, fake boobs, ones that wear too much make up.  But that's the exact type of women that they end up going out with.  Hypocrites.  All of them.

Men are not attracted to a woman like me.  They just aren't.   That's the only reason I can come up with as to why I have never had a man love me.  They were all with me because they wanted something, be it sex, money, or a green card.  I don't believe in love.  I never have.  I never will.  (Nice inclusion of a Queensryche lyric there).

I have been through many heartbreaks in my life because of men.  The most recent man I cared about hurt me more than I have ever been hurt in my entire life.  He took what little bit of my heart that wasn't shattered, and he not only crushed it, but crushed me soul and what tiny bit of self-esteem I had left.  I truly loved and cared about him.

The old saying is it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  But that is not true.  Because a woman like me will never have true love from a man.  So it is better to have not loved at all than to have your heart and soul destroyed, and never be the same woman you once were.  I lost myself.  I am broken.  I am introverted.  I am distrustful.  I am jaded.  I am not the happy, funny, extroverted woman I once was.  She is dead.  Even people that know me tell me that I lost the sparkle that I once had in my eyes.  But men hurt her.  And the most recent one totally destroyed her.  She is gone.  Never to be seen again.  And that makes me sad.  Because I loved her.  She was fun, sweet, kind, loving, and trusting.  But the men that used her and broke her heart killed her.  She's gone forever.  I've tried to bring her back.  I mourn her every day.  Because women like her were rare.  It's just too bad that no one saw her on the inside.  They only saw her outside.  Now she is gone.  RIP to the woman I once was.  You were amazing.  I miss you.

Until next time...

Sleepless...again

It's 3:45 am.  I can't sleep.  I have been having difficulty sleeping lately.  So here I am, at almost 4 am, writing out my thoughts.

What goes through my mind at almost 4 am?  Well, many things...

I hope that my daughter can find her place in life.  I never did.  I struggled to fit in everywhere I went.  No one ever truly accepted me.  To all the people in my life, I was never thin enough, never smart enough,never beautiful enough.  People have looked down on me my entire life because I came from a not so well off background.  I won't go into that background, as I don't like to talk about it.  But I have only two living family members left.  That is my daughter and my brother.  And my brother and I are not close.  So I am alone, besides my daughter and my dog.  You don't know what being alone is until you are facing a financial crisis, and you know that you have absolutely no one there to help you.  It's like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute.  I have no safety net, no one to catch me when I fall.  Most people I know have family to help them financially.  I do not.  My car is not working at the moment.  It has been broke down for well over two months now.  I do not have the money to get it fixed now, or any time in the near future.  And there is no possible way I will be able to get another car.  Not even a used one.  And for those of you who still have family left that you can turn to, please do not tell those of us who have no one that you know how we feel.  No.  You don't.  And you never will, until you're in this situation.

Until next time...  
   

Four years later...

It's been almost four years since I last posted anything here.  I was reading my old posts this morning.  I don't even know that person who posted.  Was that me?  Is that still me.  I wonder.

I have changed since my last post.  A lot.  I'm not sure if I have changed for the better or for the worst.  I guess it depends on your point of view.  I do know that I am a lot more guarded and introverted now.  I don't trust people. I don't have many friends.  I have one person that I talk to on a regular basis.  I don't let anyone in.  I don't go out much.  And I don't plan to.  I would rather live a lonely life alone than have people round me who are going to end up using me, lying to me, and hurting me. Finding someone isn't an issue.  I could go out today and get a boyfriend.  Would he be a good man, and treat me good, and treat my daughter good?  I'm 100% he would not.  Because I am convinced that there are just no good men left.  They will all lie, cheat, and hurt you.  I have never had a man truly love me.  All the men I've known have wanted something from me.  They never truly cared about me.  It's funny how men bitch and moan about women having walls up, when they are the ones who handed us the bricks.

Until next time...