It's My Life...

I haven't posted in almost a week.  Been busy busy busy with my daughter and other duties.  Actually, I am pretty exhausted.  My husband does ZERO housework, so I cook, clean, do laundry, mop, vacuum, help Salaam with her homework, take her to and pick her up from school, and more.  I am so tired.  I swear, I have to clean my house every single day.  I have two men (my husband and my brother) in the house, plus a six year old child.  Imagine the mess my house gets in every single day of the week.  And I am tired of cleaning up messes.  I just keep quiet, because nagging and complaining does no good.  So I just grin and bear and do it.  Not much else I can do.  I dread having my ankle surgery, because I will be confined to my bed for a few days.  Dear God, this house will be completely trashed.  I am not looking forward to that at all.  Two men and a six year old child with no one cleaning up behind them?  God help me.

Until next time...

NXT show

Me, my husband, and our daughter went to the WWE NXT show last night at Full Sail in Winter Park.  I LOVE WWE.  It is a passion of mine, and it was so exciting to be there.  It took me away to another world and helped me forget my problems, at least for a little while.

I know WWE gets a bad rap in the media, and from many people.  They just don't understand it.  Last night, after Randy Orton finished his match, he took the time (about 10-15  minutes) to stop and sign autographs and take pictures with the fans.  He was also kissing all the little girls on the cheeks.  He was very sweet, and he loves his fans.  I will not forget him for that.  That is what many critics of WWE do not see...the love that the fans have for the WWE superstars, and the love that the WWE superstars have for the fans.  He could have just went straight back to the locker room, but he didn't.  He took time and mingled with us, the little people, the WWE fans.  Thanks Randy.  Mad respect for you for that.

Chris Jericho-Y2J-will be there next month.  After the show, they were selling tickets to next month's show.  My husband surprised me on the way out of the show-he had bought tickets earlier in the evening.  He told me he was going to the bathroom, and that is when he got the tickets.  I am not sure what has gotten into him, but he is being nicer to me this week.  I appreciate that he did that for me, knowing how much I love WWE.  Can't wait to see Y2J!

Until next time... 

Too Much Tuesday...

So my daughter is out of school for the entire week.  "Winter break", the school calls it.  Which is odd, because I don't believe the other Orange County schools are out.

I had my counseling appointment today.  I didn't want my husband to come, since nothing ever changes, but he insisted on coming.  The counselor took me in first, and talked to me before she brought in my husband.  I told her that nothing seems like it is changing.  It is frustrating when you try your best to make things better, and they just don't change.  I can't pinpoint exactly when we began to grow apart.  I wish I could, so perhaps I could at least know what happened and what when wrong.  Perhaps it is when the trust got broken.  Once trust is gone, it is almost impossible to get back.  My husband talks a good game in our counseling sessions...if only he would practice what he preaches.

He did however give me a surprise today... he surprised me today and bought me, him and our daughter tickets to the WWE NXT show that is coming on Thursday.  WWE Tapes the NXT show there once a month.  Randy Orton will be there, but I am holding out hope that CM Punk will come here soon!  :)  Perhaps he is trying to make up for lost time and broken promises.  He knows how much I LOVE WWE.  So him doing that did earn some brownie points with me.  Time will tell...


Until next time...

Raw is war, and so is life...

I stayed up late last night watching the WWE pay per view.  Pretty mad that CM Punk didn't beat The Rock.  Yeah, I know it is scripted.  But hell, Rock has been gone for years, yet he waltzes back into the company and thinks he owns it, and wins the WWE belt.  Total crap.  Hey Rock, go the hell back to Hollywood and keep making your crappy straight to DVD movies that no one watches anyway.  We don't want you in WWE.  Now go away.  Thank you. 

So I woke up late this morning.  I had an appointment with my counselor this morning at 10 am.  For some odd reason, I thought my appointment was at 1 pm.  So I missed that, and have to reschedule.  I told my husband that from now on, I will be going to the counseling appointments alone.  But for some reason unknown, he wants to continue to go with me.  I told him, what is the point of him going, when nothing in our marriage ever changes?  He makes promises to me and the counselor, but once we are back home, of course, all those promises are broken. It's sad when his Facebook friends get more time with him than his own wife and daughter.

So I have decided to concentrate on me and Salaam.  Since he has no interest in our lives, I am going to do what makes me happy.  I am 42 years old, and I gave up so much of myself to please him the last seven years.  And of course, he either doesn't notice or doesn't care.  Probably a little bit of both.  If I ever get divorced, I seriously doubt I would marry again.  IF, and that is a BIG IF, I ever did, it would NOT be to a Muslim, and NOT to an Arab.  Just too many cultural differences.  Again, Arabs think everyone that has tats and piercings are either a gypsy or a hooker.  So, no more marriage for me. 

I am thinking about removing my hijab.  For those that don't know, the hijab is a scarf that covers my hair.  I wear it for religious reasons.  But the more I learn about my religion, the more I realize that it isn't necessary.  It is supposed to be worn for modesty reasons.  But let's face it...who looks at hair and gets turned on?  Unless you have a hair fetish.  I feel like the hijab is stifling my real personality.  I feel like when I am wearing it, I have to act like this goody two shoes puritanical virgin that should not get pleasure from anything.  And that is totally not me.  I already dress modestly...long sleeves, long pants...and I mean, this is Florida...hot hot hot.  I remember last year, when the CD player in my truck was working, I was blasting Johnny Cash.  I was at a red light, and this guy looked at me like I had two heads.  And I was like, what?  A Muslim girl can't like Johnny Cash?  I feel like our religion, or lack of, should not be advertised.  It is between us and God, and not the business of anyone else.  I have not told my husband that I want to remove my hijab.  But I am sure I will get the whole, "it's Satan trying to lure you away", blah blah blah.  Hijab does not=a free ticket to heaven.  I know many Muslim women that do not wear hijab that are more pious and religious than some that do.  Plus, I am constantly low on Vitamin D, and my doctor says it is from the lack of sun coming on my head.  Sometimes I think that is why I get sick so much, because my Vitamin D is constantly low.  Now, why would God command us women to cover our hair and head, knowing that we would become deficient in an essential vitamin?  Makes no sense to me.  My husband likes to go to the beach.  I don't.  I used to like it...even though I don't know how to swim, I liked to go sit in the water at the shore, or just walk in the sand.  But now that I am covered head to toe, what's the point?  I look like a complete doofus going in the water fully clothed with a scarf on my head.  I am up sitting up on the shore under an umbrella, because I am completely covered, hot as hell, sweating like a dog, twiddling my thumbs, while my husband is out in the ocean swimming, having fun, dressed in nothing but shorts.  Somehow, this does not seem fair to me.  I also used to have such nice beautiful hair.  I have noticed that since I have been wearing hijab (for seven years), my hair is frizzy, unmanageable, and shedding bad.  Is this what God wanted for us women?  Look, if I take off my hijab, the world will not end...it will go on...and I will be happier.  To those that will argue with me that we as Muslim woman have to wear the hijab, to this I say to you...do you really think that only Muslim people will be in heaven?  Christian and Jewish women do not cover their hair.  So does that mean they are not going to heaven?  That is nonsense.  Covering ones hair does not=piousness.  If you think that it does, then you need to get a life, ASAP.        


Until next time...

   











  

Cold weather and cold hearts

Ok, so it is 39 degrees here now.  Which is nice, since I hate the heat.  Funny because I live in Florida.  But if I were financially able, I would certainly move.  Somewhere where there is actual seasons, and the leaves change.  And maybe a little snow.  I am just tired of a year long summer.  We didn't have much cold weather this winter, so I know that means we will have a brutal summer.

I have been a little restless lately.  Too much time at home (due to this stupid ankle injury) will do that.  I have been thinking a lot.  And I have realized that I want a change.  Maybe it is the seven year itch.  But I think I want out of my marriage.  I have not been happy in quite some time.  And all my husband does is spend all his waking time outside on the back patio on Facebook.  We have grown apart physically and emotionally.  We don't even sleep in the same bed.  I sleep in my bed and he sleeps in the living room.  I am not sure if I even love him anymore.  Trust is gone out the window, years ago.  And once trust is broken, it's almost impossible to get back.  Not that he tries.  He continues to talk to women online.  I have told him this bothers me, yet he still does it.  So what does that say?  That speaks volumes.  He tells me that he doesn't talk to them about anything bad.  Not sure if I buy that, given his history with women online.  So I began to talk to someone too...I will not reveal his name on here.  I met him on Facebook through a mutual friend.  I will call him J.  He lives not too far from me, in Oviedo.  He is Muslim as well.  From Pakistan.  Very sweet guy.  He told me he has feelings for me beyond friendship.  Do I have feelings for him?  No.  Not romantic ones anyway.  My husband found out I had met him in person a few weeks ago.  But my husband didn't seem upset by it.  So that speaks volumes too.  I must admit that I am lonely.  I miss the touch of a man.  I miss hugging, cuddling, even just talking about the events of the day.

My husband and I are in counseling for the second time in four years.  He told the counselor he is mad when I take my brother somewhere.  Well, my husband does not like to go anywhere.  (My brother moved in with us last year, so I go places with him.)   My husband  would rather stay at home on Facebook.  So I take my brother.  My husband actually had the nerve to tell the counselor that he would rather me go somewhere alone than for someone to go with me.  If that is not selfishness, I don't know what is.  The counselor was actually speechless when he said this, as was I.   

My husband and I got married after knowing each other for only two days.  Yes, you read that right...two days.  HUGE mistake on my part.  I was swept away by his charm and humor...which seems all gone now.  I can't say I regret marrying him, because I have my beautiful six year old daughter, who I love more than life itself.  But I will tell anyone that is getting married...as Percy Sledge says..TAKE TIME TO KNOW HER-OR HIM! This is no exaggeration when I say my husband and I have absolutely NOTHING in common.  We don't like the same food, music, hobbies-NOTHING!  He knows nothing about what is going on in the news here either.  All he watches is Arabic TV online.  I try to talk to him about local or national events, and he has no clue what I am talking about.  It's frustrating.  And he has no involvement in our daughter's life either.  He never plays with her, because he is always outside on Facebook.  He has no green card or work permit, so it is impossible for him to get a good job.  He takes odd jobs here and there for money.  We are really struggling financially, because I lost my job last year, and the odd jobs he gets just don't cut it.  I am thinking of postponing my ankle surgery to get a job.  He does nothing to help me out around the house either.  He does not to ANY housework.  I feel like I am a single parent, because I do all the housework-I cook, clean, do laundry, put the laundry away, take care of Salaam, do her homework with her...it's exhausting, both physically and mentally.   My brother recently found a job, so hopefully that will help some.

My plans for the day are to stay warm.  :)  I try to focus on my future, when I am financially able to stand on my own two feet.  Hopefully this TENS machine will help my ankle so that I won't need the surgery.  I need three more classes to get my AA degree at Valencia.  I want to take the 40 hour childcare classes online so I can do that until I am able to finish college.  So that is the plan.  I have to focus on me and Salaam, and what is best for us.

I am a huge WWE fan.  I have been a wrestling fan since I was eight years old.  Some people say it's stupid.  I don't think it's stupid.  Sure, the story lines are scripted.  But they really can and do get hurt.  I enjoy watching it because it takes me away from my problems, if only for awhile.  Music does that for me as well.  My favorite wrestler is CM Punk, as you can tell from my profile picture on here.  He is Straight Edge, which means he doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, or have promiscuous sex.  He is also tatted and pierced, like me.  So he is someone I can relate to.  And I think he made wrestling socially acceptable and cool again.  The WWE has a pay per view that is on tonight-Elimination Chamber.  I plan to watch it online, and hopefully get taken away from my worries and troubles...if only for awhile... 

 "Don't let these tattoos fool you.  I'm Straight Edge.  I'm a man of great discipline.  I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs.  My addiction is wrestling.  My obsession is competition.  Discipline.  My name is CM Punk."

Until next time...       

Here I am...

So here I am.  Many of my friends told me I should start a blog.  Why, I asked, do I need a blog?  My life is really not that exciting.  And I like it that way.  I hate drama and confrontation.  Which is funny because every day with my husband, there is drama and confrontation.

For those that do not know, my name is Sandy, and I am 42 years old.  I have been married 7 long long years, and we have a beautiful 6 year old daughter together, who is my world.  I was born and raised in Florida, and I am currently living in Orlando.  I am a Muslim convert, who wears hijab ( a scarf that covers my hair).  I have been contemplating removing it, as I feel like it has stifled some of my free spirit.  More on that later.

Here is more about me:

I am an avid WWE fan.  My favorite wrestler is CM punk.  I love him and what he stands for.  Straight Edge.  I am Straight Edge too.  I don't drink, don't smoke, and don't do drugs.  I have one tattoo, many ear piercings, a nose piercing and a tongue piercing.  I eventually want to get more tattoos, and more piercings.  I want my lip pierced and my eyebrow pierced.  My husband hates my tattoo and piercings-not the ears-only the tongue and nose.  Which is odd, because when we met, I had them in.  And they weren't a problem then.  Not sure why they have become a problem for him now.  He tells me in his country (he is from Syria), that only gypsies and hookers wear them.  He said that when he looks at my face, and sees and thinks gypsy or hooker.  Not cool.  Not something you want to hear from your husband, who is supposed to love you unconditionally.  I do not know why now, after 7 years of marriage, it has become a problem.  I do know that he smokes in the truck while driving when me and Salaam are in the truck with him.  I have told him that as long as he smokes in the truck, Salaam and I will not be going anywhere else with him.  I do not smoke, and I should not be subjected to cancer-causing cigarette smoke.  Neither should our daughter.  I told him when he stops smoking in the truck, I will take out my piercings.  Needless to say, my piercings are still in.  He told me, "Smoking is in my blood!"  Well, tats and piercings are in MY blood.  He also says he worries about what his other Arabic friends will think of me when they see my piercings.  And you know what i say to that?  If you don't like how I look, look away.

My other interests include politics.  I love politics, but hate politicians.  Makes no sense, I know.

I love music.  My favorite artists are  Bruce Springsteen and Kelly Clarkson.  I love all music.  I listen to everything from Metallica to George Jones and Public Enemy.  Keep an open mind when it comes to music.  :)

I love to play the guitar.  I am not very good, but I love to play.  I have four guitars.  One no-name electric (which needs to be re-stringed, as I broke a string on it while tuning it last week), one Yamaha acoustic, one Yamaha electric, and my baby, my BC Rich Warlock, which has a wicked Black Widow and web painted on it.  I don't play that one a whole lot, because that is my baby, and I don't want to damage it.  I purchased it a few years ago on craigslist for $40.  Awesome bargain!  My husband is on me to sell my guitars.  Yeah, hold your breath on that one honey.

I am determined to get in shape this year.  I had lost 100 lbs. in 2010-2011.  But in the summer of 2011, I broke my ankle stepping off a sidewalk.  Really uncool way to get injured, I know.  The initial x ray didn't show the break.  So my doctor told me to keep working out, which I did.  The pain was unbearable. I went back a few moths later. and I was referred to a podiatrist.  The x ray then showed a break.  I had to wear a walking boot for 2 months.  When the boot came off, the pain continued.  I kept going back to the podiatrist, and he kept telling me the pain is normal.  I KNEW it wasn't normal.  He kept brushing me off.  I went back to my doctor, and told him I am in serious pain.  He sent me to a different podiatrist.  That podiatrist did an MRI, and it showed torn tendons.  I am currently being treated for that.  I am currently on a TENS machine, which provides electro stimulus to my ankle.  Hopefully surgery can be prevented.  I have gotten out of shape during this time, but I have started exercising again, being very careful of my ankle.  I want to start lifting weights too.  I want to get some definition.  I am also in the process of going vegan.  I feel better when I don't eat meat.

2011-2012 was a bad, dark time for me.  My mom fell ill in the fall of 2011.  She had three back to back stomach surgeries, and fell into a coma.  She never woke up.  She was brain dead, and my brother and I made the difficult decision to take her off of her vent in May of 2011.  Two days before my birthday, and four days before Mother's Day.  I am currently in counseling, dealing with her passing.  I miss her terribly.  She was a single mom, as my worthless no good dad took off on us when she was pregnant with me.  (More on that later).  She was my best friend.  Three months later, I lost a friend of 24 years, who was like a blood brother to me.  His passing was sudden and unexpected.  In 2011, I lost my job due to my FMLA time running out.  I also had a torn meniscus in my knee, and had knee surgery.  All I can say is, live life to the fullest.  Enjoy it, and tell those around you how much you love and appreciate them.  For we may not be here tomorrow.

Until next time...