I know this sounds really cliché, but I just don't fit in. No matter where I go, I don't seem to fit in with anyone. I am Muslim, so I don't feel like I fit in with many Americans, and how they view Muslims. I am tatted and pierced, so I don't fit in at my mosque. I am straight edge, so I don't fit in with people who drink, smoke or do drugs.
I was at the mall the other day with my daughter, and there is a tat place there. I wanted so badly to go inside. But I was afraid they wouldn't let me in with my daughter, because of her age. And also, I was afraid that they would look at me funny, since I wear hijab and all. So what do I do? I like wearing my hijab. One reason is because I want people to see that Muslims are not like what you see on TV, and that we have piercings too, and can be cool as hell, not some strict boring do nothing for fun people.
How do I show people that I can be tatted and pierced, and still be a good Muslim? How do I show people that I am a good American, and a good Muslim? Not sure if I will ever find the answers.
Until next time...
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
Piercings=Pleasure
I pierced my own eyebrow yesterday. I did it safely, with a sterilized hollow piercing needle, and a sterilized curved ring. My husband is mad, because he detests my piercings. He said in Syria, where he is from, the only women that have piercings are gypsies and whores. But I really do not care. I still beg and beg him to not smoke in the truck. When he takes my brother to work in the mornings, he smokes with the windows up. By the time I am ready to take our daughter to school, the car is full of smoke when I open the door, and it reeks. It's horrible. If he is not going to budge on the smoking issue, I am not going to budge on the piercing issue. My piercings are not putting someone at risk for lung cancer, or emphysema, or anything else. His smoking is. He still smokes with us in the truck, and when he does go to pick our daughter up from school, she comes back and her hair reeks of smoke. From now on, I am refusing to let our daughter ride with him anywhere, and I am not going to go with him anywhere in the truck. I will go without him, because I do not want to end up with lung cancer or breathing problems I plan to get my lip pierced soon. I tried to sit down with him last night, and explain to him that my being pierced does not change my personality, or my heart. It does not change who I am. I had two piercings when we met, and he didn't say anything about them. I don't understand why they are a problem now. If he cares what his friends think, so be it. Let them think what they want. I know I am a good person, and a DAMN good mom, and my friends and family know what kind of person I am...and that is all that matters. He wants me to change who I am, and I refuse to do that for ANYONE. I am who I am, and if you don't like how I look, then don't look at me. It's that simple.
Until next time...
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Marriage is a JOKE
I have come to the conclusion that marriage is a joke. I have been unhappily married for almost eight years now...eight long, miserable, unhappy years. My husband wants EVERYONE to do what he says. Yet he WILL NOT listen to ANYONE, not even me. He wants our marriage to be 100% him and 0% me. I am so over it. Those of you who who are friends with me on Facebook know that I have posted about our problems. But none of you know just how bad it is. It would be easy for me to just up and leave and go somewhere else, even to a shelter. But when you have a kid, the game changes. It's not that easy to just up and leave, especially when you have no job, no money saved, and nowhere to go. I have few friends, as I don't trust people that much. And most of them already have kids, and don't want another kid in their house. Or they don't have kids, and don't like kids, and think I will be using them as an automatic babysitter.
In the late summer of 2011, we got evicted, because my genius husband thought it would be a great idea to move into a house where the rent was $1050 per month. GREAT idea-especially since he has no green card or work permit, and can't find a good job-and to top that all off, I was not working at the time. He was CONSTANTLY late paying the rent, or not paying it at all, because he was sending the rent money to his kids in Syria. So we got evicted. My husband took us to a very bad, bed-bug infested motel down on OBT---Vacation Lodge. I never felt like such a failure as a mom in my entire six years of being a mom. I swore that, if that ever does happen again, I will not subject my daughter to living in a place like that ever again. I will go to a shelter or sleep in my car. I am not sure why my husband thought it would be a good idea to stay there...I guess because the loser owners were Arab, and he thinks all Arabs are perfect, honest, upstanding people. But they were complete assholes. We all kept getting bit by the bedbugs, and poor Salaam would get bad rashes where she constantly scratched them. I would go every day to the owners and tell them that the bedbugs were in our room. They moved us to another room, but that room had even more bedbugs. I took a dead bedbug to my daughter's pediatrician, and he confirmed it was a bedbug-but I already knew it was. I took the note that her pediatrician wrote, confirming it to be a bedbug. The owners told me if we didn't like the place, then we can leave. What a colossal prick. I know karma will come back and bite both of them in the ass one day. And I hope and pray I am around to see it. The "security" guards there are fresh out of jail drug dealers, who are doing deals on the side while they are "working". A woman got raped in that motel when we were there. One of the janitors broke into a woman's room and raped her. What an upstanding great husband I have, to take his wife and daughter to a place like that.
My husband has NO desire to better his life. He has no green card and no work permit. When we were both interviewed by immigration a few years ago, after he filed for his green card, they interviewed us separately. They asked him:
my date of birth
my maiden name
my middle name
what date we got married
Salaam's date of birth
where we met for the first time
He got the answers to those questions WRONG-ALL of them. to this day, he still can't answer any of the above questions.
He can't read or write English. I told him about the church near us that gives FREE English classes every Monday night, from 7-9 pm. Of course, he has some excuse about why he can't go. He is happy as long as he has his computer, to get on Facebook, coffee, and his cigarettes. He takes NO interest in our daughter's life. He never plays with her, he never takes her anywhere. He doesn't even know her teacher's name. I am mom and dad to her. He does not work, and does absolutely NOTHING in the house. I cook, clean, do laundry, go buy the groceries, take care of Salaam, do her homework with her, take her to school. Damn, I am TIRED. I am not asking him to do it all, but hell, help me out, at least once in awhile.
I am extremely unhappy in my marriage. I wish my ankle were healed, so I could get a job, and file for divorce. My husband stole my happiness for so many years. He tried to suppress me and what makes me happy. He wants me to sell my guitars, not wear make up or perfume, take out my piercings...he is miserable, so he wants ME to be miserable with him. I refuse to. I am unhappy in my marriage, but I love life, and he will NEVER take away my passion for life. And when I do finally get divorced, I WILL NEVER EVER get married again. And if a once in a lifetime miracle happens and I do bite the bullet again...he WILL NOT be Arab, and HE WILL NOT BE MUSLIM. Until I am able to get divorced, I just have to make the best of it, and concentrate on what makes ME happy, and my daughter.
Until next time...
In the late summer of 2011, we got evicted, because my genius husband thought it would be a great idea to move into a house where the rent was $1050 per month. GREAT idea-especially since he has no green card or work permit, and can't find a good job-and to top that all off, I was not working at the time. He was CONSTANTLY late paying the rent, or not paying it at all, because he was sending the rent money to his kids in Syria. So we got evicted. My husband took us to a very bad, bed-bug infested motel down on OBT---Vacation Lodge. I never felt like such a failure as a mom in my entire six years of being a mom. I swore that, if that ever does happen again, I will not subject my daughter to living in a place like that ever again. I will go to a shelter or sleep in my car. I am not sure why my husband thought it would be a good idea to stay there...I guess because the loser owners were Arab, and he thinks all Arabs are perfect, honest, upstanding people. But they were complete assholes. We all kept getting bit by the bedbugs, and poor Salaam would get bad rashes where she constantly scratched them. I would go every day to the owners and tell them that the bedbugs were in our room. They moved us to another room, but that room had even more bedbugs. I took a dead bedbug to my daughter's pediatrician, and he confirmed it was a bedbug-but I already knew it was. I took the note that her pediatrician wrote, confirming it to be a bedbug. The owners told me if we didn't like the place, then we can leave. What a colossal prick. I know karma will come back and bite both of them in the ass one day. And I hope and pray I am around to see it. The "security" guards there are fresh out of jail drug dealers, who are doing deals on the side while they are "working". A woman got raped in that motel when we were there. One of the janitors broke into a woman's room and raped her. What an upstanding great husband I have, to take his wife and daughter to a place like that.
My husband has NO desire to better his life. He has no green card and no work permit. When we were both interviewed by immigration a few years ago, after he filed for his green card, they interviewed us separately. They asked him:
my date of birth
my maiden name
my middle name
what date we got married
Salaam's date of birth
where we met for the first time
He got the answers to those questions WRONG-ALL of them. to this day, he still can't answer any of the above questions.
He can't read or write English. I told him about the church near us that gives FREE English classes every Monday night, from 7-9 pm. Of course, he has some excuse about why he can't go. He is happy as long as he has his computer, to get on Facebook, coffee, and his cigarettes. He takes NO interest in our daughter's life. He never plays with her, he never takes her anywhere. He doesn't even know her teacher's name. I am mom and dad to her. He does not work, and does absolutely NOTHING in the house. I cook, clean, do laundry, go buy the groceries, take care of Salaam, do her homework with her, take her to school. Damn, I am TIRED. I am not asking him to do it all, but hell, help me out, at least once in awhile.
I am extremely unhappy in my marriage. I wish my ankle were healed, so I could get a job, and file for divorce. My husband stole my happiness for so many years. He tried to suppress me and what makes me happy. He wants me to sell my guitars, not wear make up or perfume, take out my piercings...he is miserable, so he wants ME to be miserable with him. I refuse to. I am unhappy in my marriage, but I love life, and he will NEVER take away my passion for life. And when I do finally get divorced, I WILL NEVER EVER get married again. And if a once in a lifetime miracle happens and I do bite the bullet again...he WILL NOT be Arab, and HE WILL NOT BE MUSLIM. Until I am able to get divorced, I just have to make the best of it, and concentrate on what makes ME happy, and my daughter.
Until next time...
Friday, March 8, 2013
More Piercings
Ok, so I have ordered some hollow piercing needles from ebay, and they will be in next week. I am going to attempt to pierce my eyebrow and lip. The needles were really cheap, so I am going to be brace and try to do them myself and save some $. I figure I am not able to work yet. so by the time i AM ready to go back to work, when my ankle is healed, the piercings will be healed up.
I want to get another tat soon too. I want to get it on my inside right wrist. I want it to say "CM Punk" with his logo. I am not sure how much that will cost, but I hope to save up for that real soon. He is such an inspiration to me, and it will mean a lot to me to have this done.
Until next time...
I want to get another tat soon too. I want to get it on my inside right wrist. I want it to say "CM Punk" with his logo. I am not sure how much that will cost, but I hope to save up for that real soon. He is such an inspiration to me, and it will mean a lot to me to have this done.
Until next time...
I am ME-Simply Sandy
I have noticed some of my convert American friends have changed their name to "Muslim" ones, whatever that means. I remember my husband, Salaam, and I went to go visit a friend of his recently. We got there, and I introduced myself to his friend and his friend's family as Sandy. I remember my husband's friends' wife was in the kitchen, making tea. I heard her say, "Um Salaam, Um Salaam." I didn't answer her, as I didn't think she was talking to me. She said again, "Um Salaam." My husband said, "She is talking to you." Ok, so that made me a little upset. Now I know Um Salaam means mother of Salaam. But I had introduced myself when we got there as Sandy. If she didn't remember my name, she could have called me 'sister". I AM NOT Um Salaam-I am SANDY. My mom gave me my name and I have NO intention of ever changing it. I would never dishonor my mom like that, and I happen to like my name. I am not Arab, I am not Um anything, I am Sandy...simply Sandy.
Until next time...
Until next time...
Friday, March 1, 2013
Finally Friday
Have you ever felt like you just don't fit in? I feel that way almost all the time. I am too American for the Muslims in the mosque. I have a tattoo, three piercings in once ear, four in another, a tongue piercing, and a nose piercing. I also listen to music, wear nail polish, let my daughter celebrate birthdays and Halloween. So of course, many Muslims think that is "haram", which means forbidden, I can't do that. I actually had a facebook friend, a Muslim sister, unfriend me because I told her I celebrate birthdays. Good riddance. Live your life inside a box, in black and white. I will live mine outside the box, in color. The thing is, if you come to America (the mosque I used to attend was mostly Arabic), don't expect US to adapt to YOUR culture. I expect YOU to adapt to OURS. Now, don't get me wrong. I am not saying that American culture is better than any other...I am saying this...Example: (And this is a true story...I have actually heard many of my husband's friends say things like this) A man comes here from from Saudi Arabia, and attends mosque here in America. The Imam (religious leader) is from Pakistan. Well, of course, because the man is Arab and the Imam is not, he has a problem with it. So he puts whispers in ears of those in the community...hey, we are Arab, and of course, Islam came from Arabia, so the Imam should be Arab! How can a non-Arab Imam teach Arabic (even though many non-Arabs can speak Arabic as well as an Arab). And all the Arabs in the community agree with him, and get the board to elect an Arab Imam. So the Arab Imam is saying his lectures in English. The community says, NO! We are ARAB, so the lectures MUST be in ARABIC! So...the lectures are then in Arabic. So the few American converts you did have are now completely gone, as they can't speak or understand Arabic. Wait, though...the women pray in the same prayer area as the men! NO! This is HARAM! They tell the Imam, no, this is not right! Let's move the women and children to obscurity, either in a completely different building, or better yet, upstairs, so they can be ghosts, and no one can see them. And, who cares if they can't see the Imam or hear him. Women don't HAVE to pray in the mosque. WE, THEIR HUSBANDS, can tell them what the khutbah (Friday prayer) was about. Ok, so...now you have an all Arab mosque, where the khutbah and all the classes are in Arabic, you have no American Muslims coming. It's just like home, says the community! COMPLETE CRAP! If you want to be in a mosque where only Arabic is spoken, and women are treated like ghosts and sent upstairs or to another building, where they can't see or hear the Imam, then GO BACK HOME!!! WE MINGLE HERE WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX! If you want women to be ghosts, then by all means, take a plane back home.
On the flip side, I am Muslim, and I wear hijab, and I don't feel fully accepted by Americans. Not all Americans of course. But I feel like all eyes are always on me, because I am Muslim. If I took off my hijab, then no one would know I am Muslim. It's a struggle, constantly looking for a place to fit it.
This is where wrestling and music come in...
I have been to my local mosque, wearing my piercings, and have been rudely asked about them or had rude comments said to me. On the other hand, when I attend concerts, or wrestling shows, I am completely accepted. I remember when I saw Bruce Springsteen a few years ago at the TD Waterhouse Center here in Orlando. After the show, my brother and I were heading to my car in the parking lot. There was a gathering of people there, so we went to see what was going on. Many of the Springsteen fans had gathered outside after the show, telling stories about Bruce Springsteen. We all talked about what our favorite album was, how many times we had seen him in concert, all the memories the fans that were there from New Jersey had about seeing him there before he hit it big. It was magical. And not ONCE did anyone treat me like an outsider or like I should not be there. Not one person commented on my hijab, either inside the arena or outside in the parking lot. Yet when I wore my nose ring to the mosque one day, during Friday prayer, a sister came up to me, and very rudely said, "What did you do to your nose?" Like my nose ring had any bearing on her life whatsoever. At the end of the day, how is my having a nose piercing hurting her or making any kind of impact on her life? It isn't. So go along your way and be miserable. Just don't take me with you.
In wrestling, and in life, my hero is CM Punk. Those that know me personally know that. He is Straight Edge...he doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, and doesn't have promiscuous sex. He is extremely disciplined. I can imagine the pressure he gets from others, especially working in a business like WWE, where you are constantly on the road. I am sure there are days he gets pressured...but he doesn't cave. I am Straight Edge too. I feel accepted at wrestling shows. We are all there to have fun and see our favorite wrestlers. Not to point out the shortcomings (or what some view as shortcomings) of others. I can wear my CM Punk shirt and my piercings there, and no one will judge me. Imagine me walking in my mosque, wearing my CM Punk t shirt and my piercings. I am going to do that one day soon, and i will post the reaction I get, lol!
I love a lot of things in life. College football, reading, writing, and many others. But I am passionate about only a few. Two things I am passionate about is wrestling and music. I ordered a CM Punk shirt and a rubber CM Punk bracelet, and they both came in the mail yesterday. I tried them on, and I felt...different. I felt more self-confident, I felt stronger, I felt...like everything is going to be ok. I know you non-wrestling fans will never understand it. But wrestling is in my blood, and I have loved it since I was eight years old, and I will love it until the day I die. My daughter loves it too. And I am glad that she and I can go to the wrestling shows and spend quality time together. That means a lot to me. and to her. :)
I am seriously thinking about starting a progressive mosque here in Orlando. One where we can all feel free to be who we are and what we are. One that is accepting of everybody, no matter what race, gender, walk of life, etc. just accepting of others...piercings and all. :)
Until next time...proudly Straight Edge...proudly tatted...proudly pierced...
On the flip side, I am Muslim, and I wear hijab, and I don't feel fully accepted by Americans. Not all Americans of course. But I feel like all eyes are always on me, because I am Muslim. If I took off my hijab, then no one would know I am Muslim. It's a struggle, constantly looking for a place to fit it.
This is where wrestling and music come in...
I have been to my local mosque, wearing my piercings, and have been rudely asked about them or had rude comments said to me. On the other hand, when I attend concerts, or wrestling shows, I am completely accepted. I remember when I saw Bruce Springsteen a few years ago at the TD Waterhouse Center here in Orlando. After the show, my brother and I were heading to my car in the parking lot. There was a gathering of people there, so we went to see what was going on. Many of the Springsteen fans had gathered outside after the show, telling stories about Bruce Springsteen. We all talked about what our favorite album was, how many times we had seen him in concert, all the memories the fans that were there from New Jersey had about seeing him there before he hit it big. It was magical. And not ONCE did anyone treat me like an outsider or like I should not be there. Not one person commented on my hijab, either inside the arena or outside in the parking lot. Yet when I wore my nose ring to the mosque one day, during Friday prayer, a sister came up to me, and very rudely said, "What did you do to your nose?" Like my nose ring had any bearing on her life whatsoever. At the end of the day, how is my having a nose piercing hurting her or making any kind of impact on her life? It isn't. So go along your way and be miserable. Just don't take me with you.
In wrestling, and in life, my hero is CM Punk. Those that know me personally know that. He is Straight Edge...he doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't do drugs, and doesn't have promiscuous sex. He is extremely disciplined. I can imagine the pressure he gets from others, especially working in a business like WWE, where you are constantly on the road. I am sure there are days he gets pressured...but he doesn't cave. I am Straight Edge too. I feel accepted at wrestling shows. We are all there to have fun and see our favorite wrestlers. Not to point out the shortcomings (or what some view as shortcomings) of others. I can wear my CM Punk shirt and my piercings there, and no one will judge me. Imagine me walking in my mosque, wearing my CM Punk t shirt and my piercings. I am going to do that one day soon, and i will post the reaction I get, lol!
I love a lot of things in life. College football, reading, writing, and many others. But I am passionate about only a few. Two things I am passionate about is wrestling and music. I ordered a CM Punk shirt and a rubber CM Punk bracelet, and they both came in the mail yesterday. I tried them on, and I felt...different. I felt more self-confident, I felt stronger, I felt...like everything is going to be ok. I know you non-wrestling fans will never understand it. But wrestling is in my blood, and I have loved it since I was eight years old, and I will love it until the day I die. My daughter loves it too. And I am glad that she and I can go to the wrestling shows and spend quality time together. That means a lot to me. and to her. :)
I am seriously thinking about starting a progressive mosque here in Orlando. One where we can all feel free to be who we are and what we are. One that is accepting of everybody, no matter what race, gender, walk of life, etc. just accepting of others...piercings and all. :)
Until next time...proudly Straight Edge...proudly tatted...proudly pierced...
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
It's My Life...
I haven't posted in almost a week. Been busy busy busy with my daughter and other duties. Actually, I am pretty exhausted. My husband does ZERO housework, so I cook, clean, do laundry, mop, vacuum, help Salaam with her homework, take her to and pick her up from school, and more. I am so tired. I swear, I have to clean my house every single day. I have two men (my husband and my brother) in the house, plus a six year old child. Imagine the mess my house gets in every single day of the week. And I am tired of cleaning up messes. I just keep quiet, because nagging and complaining does no good. So I just grin and bear and do it. Not much else I can do. I dread having my ankle surgery, because I will be confined to my bed for a few days. Dear God, this house will be completely trashed. I am not looking forward to that at all. Two men and a six year old child with no one cleaning up behind them? God help me.
Until next time...
Friday, February 22, 2013
NXT show
Me, my husband, and our daughter went to the WWE NXT show last night at Full Sail in Winter Park. I LOVE WWE. It is a passion of mine, and it was so exciting to be there. It took me away to another world and helped me forget my problems, at least for a little while.
I know WWE gets a bad rap in the media, and from many people. They just don't understand it. Last night, after Randy Orton finished his match, he took the time (about 10-15 minutes) to stop and sign autographs and take pictures with the fans. He was also kissing all the little girls on the cheeks. He was very sweet, and he loves his fans. I will not forget him for that. That is what many critics of WWE do not see...the love that the fans have for the WWE superstars, and the love that the WWE superstars have for the fans. He could have just went straight back to the locker room, but he didn't. He took time and mingled with us, the little people, the WWE fans. Thanks Randy. Mad respect for you for that.
Chris Jericho-Y2J-will be there next month. After the show, they were selling tickets to next month's show. My husband surprised me on the way out of the show-he had bought tickets earlier in the evening. He told me he was going to the bathroom, and that is when he got the tickets. I am not sure what has gotten into him, but he is being nicer to me this week. I appreciate that he did that for me, knowing how much I love WWE. Can't wait to see Y2J!
Until next time...
I know WWE gets a bad rap in the media, and from many people. They just don't understand it. Last night, after Randy Orton finished his match, he took the time (about 10-15 minutes) to stop and sign autographs and take pictures with the fans. He was also kissing all the little girls on the cheeks. He was very sweet, and he loves his fans. I will not forget him for that. That is what many critics of WWE do not see...the love that the fans have for the WWE superstars, and the love that the WWE superstars have for the fans. He could have just went straight back to the locker room, but he didn't. He took time and mingled with us, the little people, the WWE fans. Thanks Randy. Mad respect for you for that.
Chris Jericho-Y2J-will be there next month. After the show, they were selling tickets to next month's show. My husband surprised me on the way out of the show-he had bought tickets earlier in the evening. He told me he was going to the bathroom, and that is when he got the tickets. I am not sure what has gotten into him, but he is being nicer to me this week. I appreciate that he did that for me, knowing how much I love WWE. Can't wait to see Y2J!
Until next time...
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Too Much Tuesday...
So my daughter is out of school for the entire week. "Winter break", the school calls it. Which is odd, because I don't believe the other Orange County schools are out.
I had my counseling appointment today. I didn't want my husband to come, since nothing ever changes, but he insisted on coming. The counselor took me in first, and talked to me before she brought in my husband. I told her that nothing seems like it is changing. It is frustrating when you try your best to make things better, and they just don't change. I can't pinpoint exactly when we began to grow apart. I wish I could, so perhaps I could at least know what happened and what when wrong. Perhaps it is when the trust got broken. Once trust is gone, it is almost impossible to get back. My husband talks a good game in our counseling sessions...if only he would practice what he preaches.
He did however give me a surprise today... he surprised me today and bought me, him and our daughter tickets to the WWE NXT show that is coming on Thursday. WWE Tapes the NXT show there once a month. Randy Orton will be there, but I am holding out hope that CM Punk will come here soon! :) Perhaps he is trying to make up for lost time and broken promises. He knows how much I LOVE WWE. So him doing that did earn some brownie points with me. Time will tell...
Until next time...
I had my counseling appointment today. I didn't want my husband to come, since nothing ever changes, but he insisted on coming. The counselor took me in first, and talked to me before she brought in my husband. I told her that nothing seems like it is changing. It is frustrating when you try your best to make things better, and they just don't change. I can't pinpoint exactly when we began to grow apart. I wish I could, so perhaps I could at least know what happened and what when wrong. Perhaps it is when the trust got broken. Once trust is gone, it is almost impossible to get back. My husband talks a good game in our counseling sessions...if only he would practice what he preaches.
He did however give me a surprise today... he surprised me today and bought me, him and our daughter tickets to the WWE NXT show that is coming on Thursday. WWE Tapes the NXT show there once a month. Randy Orton will be there, but I am holding out hope that CM Punk will come here soon! :) Perhaps he is trying to make up for lost time and broken promises. He knows how much I LOVE WWE. So him doing that did earn some brownie points with me. Time will tell...
Until next time...
Monday, February 18, 2013
Raw is war, and so is life...
I stayed up late last night watching the WWE pay per view. Pretty mad that CM Punk didn't beat The Rock. Yeah, I know it is scripted. But hell, Rock has been gone for years, yet he waltzes back into the company and thinks he owns it, and wins the WWE belt. Total crap. Hey Rock, go the hell back to Hollywood and keep making your crappy straight to DVD movies that no one watches anyway. We don't want you in WWE. Now go away. Thank you.
So I woke up late this morning. I had an appointment with my counselor this morning at 10 am. For some odd reason, I thought my appointment was at 1 pm. So I missed that, and have to reschedule. I told my husband that from now on, I will be going to the counseling appointments alone. But for some reason unknown, he wants to continue to go with me. I told him, what is the point of him going, when nothing in our marriage ever changes? He makes promises to me and the counselor, but once we are back home, of course, all those promises are broken. It's sad when his Facebook friends get more time with him than his own wife and daughter.
So I have decided to concentrate on me and Salaam. Since he has no interest in our lives, I am going to do what makes me happy. I am 42 years old, and I gave up so much of myself to please him the last seven years. And of course, he either doesn't notice or doesn't care. Probably a little bit of both. If I ever get divorced, I seriously doubt I would marry again. IF, and that is a BIG IF, I ever did, it would NOT be to a Muslim, and NOT to an Arab. Just too many cultural differences. Again, Arabs think everyone that has tats and piercings are either a gypsy or a hooker. So, no more marriage for me.
I am thinking about removing my hijab. For those that don't know, the hijab is a scarf that covers my hair. I wear it for religious reasons. But the more I learn about my religion, the more I realize that it isn't necessary. It is supposed to be worn for modesty reasons. But let's face it...who looks at hair and gets turned on? Unless you have a hair fetish. I feel like the hijab is stifling my real personality. I feel like when I am wearing it, I have to act like this goody two shoes puritanical virgin that should not get pleasure from anything. And that is totally not me. I already dress modestly...long sleeves, long pants...and I mean, this is Florida...hot hot hot. I remember last year, when the CD player in my truck was working, I was blasting Johnny Cash. I was at a red light, and this guy looked at me like I had two heads. And I was like, what? A Muslim girl can't like Johnny Cash? I feel like our religion, or lack of, should not be advertised. It is between us and God, and not the business of anyone else. I have not told my husband that I want to remove my hijab. But I am sure I will get the whole, "it's Satan trying to lure you away", blah blah blah. Hijab does not=a free ticket to heaven. I know many Muslim women that do not wear hijab that are more pious and religious than some that do. Plus, I am constantly low on Vitamin D, and my doctor says it is from the lack of sun coming on my head. Sometimes I think that is why I get sick so much, because my Vitamin D is constantly low. Now, why would God command us women to cover our hair and head, knowing that we would become deficient in an essential vitamin? Makes no sense to me. My husband likes to go to the beach. I don't. I used to like it...even though I don't know how to swim, I liked to go sit in the water at the shore, or just walk in the sand. But now that I am covered head to toe, what's the point? I look like a complete doofus going in the water fully clothed with a scarf on my head. I am up sitting up on the shore under an umbrella, because I am completely covered, hot as hell, sweating like a dog, twiddling my thumbs, while my husband is out in the ocean swimming, having fun, dressed in nothing but shorts. Somehow, this does not seem fair to me. I also used to have such nice beautiful hair. I have noticed that since I have been wearing hijab (for seven years), my hair is frizzy, unmanageable, and shedding bad. Is this what God wanted for us women? Look, if I take off my hijab, the world will not end...it will go on...and I will be happier. To those that will argue with me that we as Muslim woman have to wear the hijab, to this I say to you...do you really think that only Muslim people will be in heaven? Christian and Jewish women do not cover their hair. So does that mean they are not going to heaven? That is nonsense. Covering ones hair does not=piousness. If you think that it does, then you need to get a life, ASAP.
Until next time...
So I woke up late this morning. I had an appointment with my counselor this morning at 10 am. For some odd reason, I thought my appointment was at 1 pm. So I missed that, and have to reschedule. I told my husband that from now on, I will be going to the counseling appointments alone. But for some reason unknown, he wants to continue to go with me. I told him, what is the point of him going, when nothing in our marriage ever changes? He makes promises to me and the counselor, but once we are back home, of course, all those promises are broken. It's sad when his Facebook friends get more time with him than his own wife and daughter.
So I have decided to concentrate on me and Salaam. Since he has no interest in our lives, I am going to do what makes me happy. I am 42 years old, and I gave up so much of myself to please him the last seven years. And of course, he either doesn't notice or doesn't care. Probably a little bit of both. If I ever get divorced, I seriously doubt I would marry again. IF, and that is a BIG IF, I ever did, it would NOT be to a Muslim, and NOT to an Arab. Just too many cultural differences. Again, Arabs think everyone that has tats and piercings are either a gypsy or a hooker. So, no more marriage for me.
I am thinking about removing my hijab. For those that don't know, the hijab is a scarf that covers my hair. I wear it for religious reasons. But the more I learn about my religion, the more I realize that it isn't necessary. It is supposed to be worn for modesty reasons. But let's face it...who looks at hair and gets turned on? Unless you have a hair fetish. I feel like the hijab is stifling my real personality. I feel like when I am wearing it, I have to act like this goody two shoes puritanical virgin that should not get pleasure from anything. And that is totally not me. I already dress modestly...long sleeves, long pants...and I mean, this is Florida...hot hot hot. I remember last year, when the CD player in my truck was working, I was blasting Johnny Cash. I was at a red light, and this guy looked at me like I had two heads. And I was like, what? A Muslim girl can't like Johnny Cash? I feel like our religion, or lack of, should not be advertised. It is between us and God, and not the business of anyone else. I have not told my husband that I want to remove my hijab. But I am sure I will get the whole, "it's Satan trying to lure you away", blah blah blah. Hijab does not=a free ticket to heaven. I know many Muslim women that do not wear hijab that are more pious and religious than some that do. Plus, I am constantly low on Vitamin D, and my doctor says it is from the lack of sun coming on my head. Sometimes I think that is why I get sick so much, because my Vitamin D is constantly low. Now, why would God command us women to cover our hair and head, knowing that we would become deficient in an essential vitamin? Makes no sense to me. My husband likes to go to the beach. I don't. I used to like it...even though I don't know how to swim, I liked to go sit in the water at the shore, or just walk in the sand. But now that I am covered head to toe, what's the point? I look like a complete doofus going in the water fully clothed with a scarf on my head. I am up sitting up on the shore under an umbrella, because I am completely covered, hot as hell, sweating like a dog, twiddling my thumbs, while my husband is out in the ocean swimming, having fun, dressed in nothing but shorts. Somehow, this does not seem fair to me. I also used to have such nice beautiful hair. I have noticed that since I have been wearing hijab (for seven years), my hair is frizzy, unmanageable, and shedding bad. Is this what God wanted for us women? Look, if I take off my hijab, the world will not end...it will go on...and I will be happier. To those that will argue with me that we as Muslim woman have to wear the hijab, to this I say to you...do you really think that only Muslim people will be in heaven? Christian and Jewish women do not cover their hair. So does that mean they are not going to heaven? That is nonsense. Covering ones hair does not=piousness. If you think that it does, then you need to get a life, ASAP.
Until next time...
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Cold weather and cold hearts
Ok, so it is 39 degrees here now. Which is nice, since I hate the heat. Funny because I live in Florida. But if I were financially able, I would certainly move. Somewhere where there is actual seasons, and the leaves change. And maybe a little snow. I am just tired of a year long summer. We didn't have much cold weather this winter, so I know that means we will have a brutal summer.
I have been a little restless lately. Too much time at home (due to this stupid ankle injury) will do that. I have been thinking a lot. And I have realized that I want a change. Maybe it is the seven year itch. But I think I want out of my marriage. I have not been happy in quite some time. And all my husband does is spend all his waking time outside on the back patio on Facebook. We have grown apart physically and emotionally. We don't even sleep in the same bed. I sleep in my bed and he sleeps in the living room. I am not sure if I even love him anymore. Trust is gone out the window, years ago. And once trust is broken, it's almost impossible to get back. Not that he tries. He continues to talk to women online. I have told him this bothers me, yet he still does it. So what does that say? That speaks volumes. He tells me that he doesn't talk to them about anything bad. Not sure if I buy that, given his history with women online. So I began to talk to someone too...I will not reveal his name on here. I met him on Facebook through a mutual friend. I will call him J. He lives not too far from me, in Oviedo. He is Muslim as well. From Pakistan. Very sweet guy. He told me he has feelings for me beyond friendship. Do I have feelings for him? No. Not romantic ones anyway. My husband found out I had met him in person a few weeks ago. But my husband didn't seem upset by it. So that speaks volumes too. I must admit that I am lonely. I miss the touch of a man. I miss hugging, cuddling, even just talking about the events of the day.
My husband and I are in counseling for the second time in four years. He told the counselor he is mad when I take my brother somewhere. Well, my husband does not like to go anywhere. (My brother moved in with us last year, so I go places with him.) My husband would rather stay at home on Facebook. So I take my brother. My husband actually had the nerve to tell the counselor that he would rather me go somewhere alone than for someone to go with me. If that is not selfishness, I don't know what is. The counselor was actually speechless when he said this, as was I.
My husband and I got married after knowing each other for only two days. Yes, you read that right...two days. HUGE mistake on my part. I was swept away by his charm and humor...which seems all gone now. I can't say I regret marrying him, because I have my beautiful six year old daughter, who I love more than life itself. But I will tell anyone that is getting married...as Percy Sledge says..TAKE TIME TO KNOW HER-OR HIM! This is no exaggeration when I say my husband and I have absolutely NOTHING in common. We don't like the same food, music, hobbies-NOTHING! He knows nothing about what is going on in the news here either. All he watches is Arabic TV online. I try to talk to him about local or national events, and he has no clue what I am talking about. It's frustrating. And he has no involvement in our daughter's life either. He never plays with her, because he is always outside on Facebook. He has no green card or work permit, so it is impossible for him to get a good job. He takes odd jobs here and there for money. We are really struggling financially, because I lost my job last year, and the odd jobs he gets just don't cut it. I am thinking of postponing my ankle surgery to get a job. He does nothing to help me out around the house either. He does not to ANY housework. I feel like I am a single parent, because I do all the housework-I cook, clean, do laundry, put the laundry away, take care of Salaam, do her homework with her...it's exhausting, both physically and mentally. My brother recently found a job, so hopefully that will help some.
My plans for the day are to stay warm. :) I try to focus on my future, when I am financially able to stand on my own two feet. Hopefully this TENS machine will help my ankle so that I won't need the surgery. I need three more classes to get my AA degree at Valencia. I want to take the 40 hour childcare classes online so I can do that until I am able to finish college. So that is the plan. I have to focus on me and Salaam, and what is best for us.
I am a huge WWE fan. I have been a wrestling fan since I was eight years old. Some people say it's stupid. I don't think it's stupid. Sure, the story lines are scripted. But they really can and do get hurt. I enjoy watching it because it takes me away from my problems, if only for awhile. Music does that for me as well. My favorite wrestler is CM Punk, as you can tell from my profile picture on here. He is Straight Edge, which means he doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, or have promiscuous sex. He is also tatted and pierced, like me. So he is someone I can relate to. And I think he made wrestling socially acceptable and cool again. The WWE has a pay per view that is on tonight-Elimination Chamber. I plan to watch it online, and hopefully get taken away from my worries and troubles...if only for awhile...
"Don't let these tattoos fool you. I'm Straight Edge. I'm a man of great discipline. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs. My addiction is wrestling. My obsession is competition. Discipline. My name is CM Punk."
Until next time...
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Here I am...
So here I am. Many of my friends told me I should start a blog. Why, I asked, do I need a blog? My life is really not that exciting. And I like it that way. I hate drama and confrontation. Which is funny because every day with my husband, there is drama and confrontation.
For those that do not know, my name is Sandy, and I am 42 years old. I have been married 7 long long years, and we have a beautiful 6 year old daughter together, who is my world. I was born and raised in Florida, and I am currently living in Orlando. I am a Muslim convert, who wears hijab ( a scarf that covers my hair). I have been contemplating removing it, as I feel like it has stifled some of my free spirit. More on that later.
Here is more about me:
I am an avid WWE fan. My favorite wrestler is CM punk. I love him and what he stands for. Straight Edge. I am Straight Edge too. I don't drink, don't smoke, and don't do drugs. I have one tattoo, many ear piercings, a nose piercing and a tongue piercing. I eventually want to get more tattoos, and more piercings. I want my lip pierced and my eyebrow pierced. My husband hates my tattoo and piercings-not the ears-only the tongue and nose. Which is odd, because when we met, I had them in. And they weren't a problem then. Not sure why they have become a problem for him now. He tells me in his country (he is from Syria), that only gypsies and hookers wear them. He said that when he looks at my face, and sees and thinks gypsy or hooker. Not cool. Not something you want to hear from your husband, who is supposed to love you unconditionally. I do not know why now, after 7 years of marriage, it has become a problem. I do know that he smokes in the truck while driving when me and Salaam are in the truck with him. I have told him that as long as he smokes in the truck, Salaam and I will not be going anywhere else with him. I do not smoke, and I should not be subjected to cancer-causing cigarette smoke. Neither should our daughter. I told him when he stops smoking in the truck, I will take out my piercings. Needless to say, my piercings are still in. He told me, "Smoking is in my blood!" Well, tats and piercings are in MY blood. He also says he worries about what his other Arabic friends will think of me when they see my piercings. And you know what i say to that? If you don't like how I look, look away.
My other interests include politics. I love politics, but hate politicians. Makes no sense, I know.
I love music. My favorite artists are Bruce Springsteen and Kelly Clarkson. I love all music. I listen to everything from Metallica to George Jones and Public Enemy. Keep an open mind when it comes to music. :)
I love to play the guitar. I am not very good, but I love to play. I have four guitars. One no-name electric (which needs to be re-stringed, as I broke a string on it while tuning it last week), one Yamaha acoustic, one Yamaha electric, and my baby, my BC Rich Warlock, which has a wicked Black Widow and web painted on it. I don't play that one a whole lot, because that is my baby, and I don't want to damage it. I purchased it a few years ago on craigslist for $40. Awesome bargain! My husband is on me to sell my guitars. Yeah, hold your breath on that one honey.
I am determined to get in shape this year. I had lost 100 lbs. in 2010-2011. But in the summer of 2011, I broke my ankle stepping off a sidewalk. Really uncool way to get injured, I know. The initial x ray didn't show the break. So my doctor told me to keep working out, which I did. The pain was unbearable. I went back a few moths later. and I was referred to a podiatrist. The x ray then showed a break. I had to wear a walking boot for 2 months. When the boot came off, the pain continued. I kept going back to the podiatrist, and he kept telling me the pain is normal. I KNEW it wasn't normal. He kept brushing me off. I went back to my doctor, and told him I am in serious pain. He sent me to a different podiatrist. That podiatrist did an MRI, and it showed torn tendons. I am currently being treated for that. I am currently on a TENS machine, which provides electro stimulus to my ankle. Hopefully surgery can be prevented. I have gotten out of shape during this time, but I have started exercising again, being very careful of my ankle. I want to start lifting weights too. I want to get some definition. I am also in the process of going vegan. I feel better when I don't eat meat.
2011-2012 was a bad, dark time for me. My mom fell ill in the fall of 2011. She had three back to back stomach surgeries, and fell into a coma. She never woke up. She was brain dead, and my brother and I made the difficult decision to take her off of her vent in May of 2011. Two days before my birthday, and four days before Mother's Day. I am currently in counseling, dealing with her passing. I miss her terribly. She was a single mom, as my worthless no good dad took off on us when she was pregnant with me. (More on that later). She was my best friend. Three months later, I lost a friend of 24 years, who was like a blood brother to me. His passing was sudden and unexpected. In 2011, I lost my job due to my FMLA time running out. I also had a torn meniscus in my knee, and had knee surgery. All I can say is, live life to the fullest. Enjoy it, and tell those around you how much you love and appreciate them. For we may not be here tomorrow.
Until next time...
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