To my old self...

It's 4:10 am, and I cannot sleep.  I hate a quiet house.  My mind races in a quiet house.  And that is never good.

I have come to the conclusion that I am unlovable.  I have spend many sleepless nights wondering why no man has ever truly loved me.  And anyone who says beauty is on the inside...well, come live the life of a not so attractive person (me).  Then tell me that BS again, and see if you actually believe it.

All my life, I have had to make up for my lack of looks.  So I worked on having an outstanding personality.  Which I did.  But all that accomplished was me getting used, lied to, and taken advantage of.

It's funny how men say they don't like fake women.  How they don't like women with a weave, fake nails, fake hair, fake boobs, ones that wear too much make up.  But that's the exact type of women that they end up going out with.  Hypocrites.  All of them.

Men are not attracted to a woman like me.  They just aren't.   That's the only reason I can come up with as to why I have never had a man love me.  They were all with me because they wanted something, be it sex, money, or a green card.  I don't believe in love.  I never have.  I never will.  (Nice inclusion of a Queensryche lyric there).

I have been through many heartbreaks in my life because of men.  The most recent man I cared about hurt me more than I have ever been hurt in my entire life.  He took what little bit of my heart that wasn't shattered, and he not only crushed it, but crushed me soul and what tiny bit of self-esteem I had left.  I truly loved and cared about him.

The old saying is it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  But that is not true.  Because a woman like me will never have true love from a man.  So it is better to have not loved at all than to have your heart and soul destroyed, and never be the same woman you once were.  I lost myself.  I am broken.  I am introverted.  I am distrustful.  I am jaded.  I am not the happy, funny, extroverted woman I once was.  She is dead.  Even people that know me tell me that I lost the sparkle that I once had in my eyes.  But men hurt her.  And the most recent one totally destroyed her.  She is gone.  Never to be seen again.  And that makes me sad.  Because I loved her.  She was fun, sweet, kind, loving, and trusting.  But the men that used her and broke her heart killed her.  She's gone forever.  I've tried to bring her back.  I mourn her every day.  Because women like her were rare.  It's just too bad that no one saw her on the inside.  They only saw her outside.  Now she is gone.  RIP to the woman I once was.  You were amazing.  I miss you.

Until next time...

Sleepless...again

It's 3:45 am.  I can't sleep.  I have been having difficulty sleeping lately.  So here I am, at almost 4 am, writing out my thoughts.

What goes through my mind at almost 4 am?  Well, many things...

I hope that my daughter can find her place in life.  I never did.  I struggled to fit in everywhere I went.  No one ever truly accepted me.  To all the people in my life, I was never thin enough, never smart enough,never beautiful enough.  People have looked down on me my entire life because I came from a not so well off background.  I won't go into that background, as I don't like to talk about it.  But I have only two living family members left.  That is my daughter and my brother.  And my brother and I are not close.  So I am alone, besides my daughter and my dog.  You don't know what being alone is until you are facing a financial crisis, and you know that you have absolutely no one there to help you.  It's like jumping out of an airplane with no parachute.  I have no safety net, no one to catch me when I fall.  Most people I know have family to help them financially.  I do not.  My car is not working at the moment.  It has been broke down for well over two months now.  I do not have the money to get it fixed now, or any time in the near future.  And there is no possible way I will be able to get another car.  Not even a used one.  And for those of you who still have family left that you can turn to, please do not tell those of us who have no one that you know how we feel.  No.  You don't.  And you never will, until you're in this situation.

Until next time...  
   

Four years later...

It's been almost four years since I last posted anything here.  I was reading my old posts this morning.  I don't even know that person who posted.  Was that me?  Is that still me.  I wonder.

I have changed since my last post.  A lot.  I'm not sure if I have changed for the better or for the worst.  I guess it depends on your point of view.  I do know that I am a lot more guarded and introverted now.  I don't trust people. I don't have many friends.  I have one person that I talk to on a regular basis.  I don't let anyone in.  I don't go out much.  And I don't plan to.  I would rather live a lonely life alone than have people round me who are going to end up using me, lying to me, and hurting me. Finding someone isn't an issue.  I could go out today and get a boyfriend.  Would he be a good man, and treat me good, and treat my daughter good?  I'm 100% he would not.  Because I am convinced that there are just no good men left.  They will all lie, cheat, and hurt you.  I have never had a man truly love me.  All the men I've known have wanted something from me.  They never truly cared about me.  It's funny how men bitch and moan about women having walls up, when they are the ones who handed us the bricks.

Until next time...

Are all men pigs/dogs/cheaters?

Now before you men get all upset about my title, let me explain myself. Without going into detail, my dad was not in my life at all. My mom used to always tell me that all men are pigs and can not be trusted. I was young when she began telling me this, so at that time, I didn't know what she meant by that. I do now. My ex husband lied to me so much and did so many bad things to me, that I sometimes wonder. When you find out someone you love has lied to you and betrayed your trust...it completely shatters your world. You look at everything differently after that. Nothing is the same anymore.  But what is worse than that is when someone KNOWS what you have been through. And he KNOWS what other men have done to you in the past. And he swears to you that he will never do to you what the previous man in your life did to you. Yet you find out that not only was he doing the exact same thing, but that and much worse. It really shatters your trust for every man. I do know that I am done with men.  My concentration and attention all goes to my daughter. I do not need a man. I do not want a man. I am done with men and with marriage. ALL men cheat. ALL of them. 

About me

I consider myself to be a private person. I don't let too many people into my life, much less my private life. I don't like to talk about personal issues or things that are going on in my life. I prefer to keep my private life private. That's just how I am. But I will try to open up a bit more here, to give you a batter idea of who I am and what I believe.

So let me share a little about myself. I am a mom, blogger, Muslim, Tae Bo junkie, political junkie, and a HUGE college football fan. I love sports, playing the guitar, music, reading, drawing, and writing. I also love perfume, make up, and purses. Yeah, typical girlie girl stuff, I know. I am also Straight Edge. I don’t smoke, drink, or do drugs. I’ve never even tried an illegal drug. And I say that with pride. Drugs never had an allure for me. I saw too many people, both famous and not famous, get messed up on all that crap. I never wanted that in my life.

I have a tattoo on my upper left arm.  I have three piercings in one ear, four in another, my nose and my tongue. I had my eyebrow done. I pierced it myself. But it wasn’t healing properly. So I took it out. I will get it re-pierced soon.  I also have my ears stretched to 2 g. I plan to stretch them out bigger.

And that’s a little about me.  This is hard for me to share. But hopefully as I go on, I will share more of me. Maybe. Time will tell.

Until next time...

I'm back, and better than ever!

So here I am again. I have been gone for awhile. I had a lot going on personally since my last post. Those of you who know me personally know what I have been through in 2014.  To those of you who do not know me personally, let me play catch up and tell you some things that have happened recently...

I won't go into full detail or mention names here, but I have let go of two people in my life this year that I once loved. But I learned the hard way that neither one of them loved me. They used me and took advantage of me.  But we live and learn. These two people I let go of have taught me that I will never again be treated like less than I am, nor will I ever settle for less than I deserve. I love me and I deserve so much more than what either of them ever gave me. Which wasn’t much. We can only be used if we allow ourselves to be used. No more. It may take me a while to get there. But when I’m done, I'M DONE.  It is now time to move on with my life and be happy. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. That’s been my mantra for this year. It will also be my next tattoo. It’s my time to shine and be happy. My #1 priority in my life right now is my daughter.  Life is wonderful and I am happy!

Until next time...

Square peg, meet round hole

I know this sounds really cliché, but I just don't fit in.  No matter where I go, I don't seem to fit in with anyone.  I am Muslim, so I don't feel like I fit in with many Americans, and how they view Muslims.  I am tatted and pierced, so I don't fit in at my mosque.  I am straight edge, so I don't fit in with people who drink, smoke or do drugs.

I was at the mall the other day with my daughter, and there is a tat place there.  I wanted so badly to go inside.  But I was afraid they wouldn't let me in with my daughter, because of her age.  And also, I was afraid that they would look at me funny, since I wear hijab and all.  So what do I do?  I like wearing my hijab.  One reason is because I want people to see that Muslims are not like what you see on TV, and that we have piercings too, and can be cool as hell, not some strict boring do nothing for fun people. 

How do I show people that I can be tatted and pierced, and still be a good Muslim?  How do I show people that I am a good American, and a good Muslim?  Not sure if I will ever find the answers.

Until next time...