To my old self...

It's 4:10 am, and I cannot sleep.  I hate a quiet house.  My mind races in a quiet house.  And that is never good.

I have come to the conclusion that I am unlovable.  I have spend many sleepless nights wondering why no man has ever truly loved me.  And anyone who says beauty is on the inside...well, come live the life of a not so attractive person (me).  Then tell me that BS again, and see if you actually believe it.

All my life, I have had to make up for my lack of looks.  So I worked on having an outstanding personality.  Which I did.  But all that accomplished was me getting used, lied to, and taken advantage of.

It's funny how men say they don't like fake women.  How they don't like women with a weave, fake nails, fake hair, fake boobs, ones that wear too much make up.  But that's the exact type of women that they end up going out with.  Hypocrites.  All of them.

Men are not attracted to a woman like me.  They just aren't.   That's the only reason I can come up with as to why I have never had a man love me.  They were all with me because they wanted something, be it sex, money, or a green card.  I don't believe in love.  I never have.  I never will.  (Nice inclusion of a Queensryche lyric there).

I have been through many heartbreaks in my life because of men.  The most recent man I cared about hurt me more than I have ever been hurt in my entire life.  He took what little bit of my heart that wasn't shattered, and he not only crushed it, but crushed me soul and what tiny bit of self-esteem I had left.  I truly loved and cared about him.

The old saying is it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  But that is not true.  Because a woman like me will never have true love from a man.  So it is better to have not loved at all than to have your heart and soul destroyed, and never be the same woman you once were.  I lost myself.  I am broken.  I am introverted.  I am distrustful.  I am jaded.  I am not the happy, funny, extroverted woman I once was.  She is dead.  Even people that know me tell me that I lost the sparkle that I once had in my eyes.  But men hurt her.  And the most recent one totally destroyed her.  She is gone.  Never to be seen again.  And that makes me sad.  Because I loved her.  She was fun, sweet, kind, loving, and trusting.  But the men that used her and broke her heart killed her.  She's gone forever.  I've tried to bring her back.  I mourn her every day.  Because women like her were rare.  It's just too bad that no one saw her on the inside.  They only saw her outside.  Now she is gone.  RIP to the woman I once was.  You were amazing.  I miss you.

Until next time...