I stayed up late last night watching the WWE pay per view. Pretty mad that CM Punk didn't beat The Rock. Yeah, I know it is scripted. But hell, Rock has been gone for years, yet he waltzes back into the company and thinks he owns it, and wins the WWE belt. Total crap. Hey Rock, go the hell back to Hollywood and keep making your crappy straight to DVD movies that no one watches anyway. We don't want you in WWE. Now go away. Thank you.
So I woke up late this morning. I had an appointment with my counselor this morning at 10 am. For some odd reason, I thought my appointment was at 1 pm. So I missed that, and have to reschedule. I told my husband that from now on, I will be going to the counseling appointments alone. But for some reason unknown, he wants to continue to go with me. I told him, what is the point of him going, when nothing in our marriage ever changes? He makes promises to me and the counselor, but once we are back home, of course, all those promises are broken. It's sad when his Facebook friends get more time with him than his own wife and daughter.
So I have decided to concentrate on me and Salaam. Since he has no interest in our lives, I am going to do what makes me happy. I am 42 years old, and I gave up so much of myself to please him the last seven years. And of course, he either doesn't notice or doesn't care. Probably a little bit of both. If I ever get divorced, I seriously doubt I would marry again. IF, and that is a BIG IF, I ever did, it would NOT be to a Muslim, and NOT to an Arab. Just too many cultural differences. Again, Arabs think everyone that has tats and piercings are either a gypsy or a hooker. So, no more marriage for me.
I am thinking about removing my hijab. For those that don't know, the hijab is a scarf that covers my hair. I wear it for religious reasons. But the more I learn about my religion, the more I realize that it isn't necessary. It is supposed to be worn for modesty reasons. But let's face it...who looks at hair and gets turned on? Unless you have a hair fetish. I feel like the hijab is stifling my real personality. I feel like when I am wearing it, I have to act like this goody two shoes puritanical virgin that should not get pleasure from anything. And that is totally not me. I already dress modestly...long sleeves, long pants...and I mean, this is Florida...hot hot hot. I remember last year, when the CD player in my truck was working, I was blasting Johnny Cash. I was at a red light, and this guy looked at me like I had two heads. And I was like, what? A Muslim girl can't like Johnny Cash? I feel like our religion, or lack of, should not be advertised. It is between us and God, and not the business of anyone else. I have not told my husband that I want to remove my hijab. But I am sure I will get the whole, "it's Satan trying to lure you away", blah blah blah. Hijab does not=a free ticket to heaven. I know many Muslim women that do not wear hijab that are more pious and religious than some that do. Plus, I am constantly low on Vitamin D, and my doctor says it is from the lack of sun coming on my head. Sometimes I think that is why I get sick so much, because my Vitamin D is constantly low. Now, why would God command us women to cover our hair and head, knowing that we would become deficient in an essential vitamin? Makes no sense to me. My husband likes to go to the beach. I don't. I used to like it...even though I don't know how to swim, I liked to go sit in the water at the shore, or just walk in the sand. But now that I am covered head to toe, what's the point? I look like a complete doofus going in the water fully clothed with a scarf on my head. I am up sitting up on the shore under an umbrella, because I am completely covered, hot as hell, sweating like a dog, twiddling my thumbs, while my husband is out in the ocean swimming, having fun, dressed in nothing but shorts. Somehow, this does not seem fair to me. I also used to have such nice beautiful hair. I have noticed that since I have been wearing hijab (for seven years), my hair is frizzy, unmanageable, and shedding bad. Is this what God wanted for us women? Look, if I take off my hijab, the world will not end...it will go on...and I will be happier. To those that will argue with me that we as Muslim woman have to wear the hijab, to this I say to you...do you really think that only Muslim people will be in heaven? Christian and Jewish women do not cover their hair. So does that mean they are not going to heaven? That is nonsense. Covering ones hair does not=piousness. If you think that it does, then you need to get a life, ASAP.
Until next time...
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