Cold weather and cold hearts

Ok, so it is 39 degrees here now.  Which is nice, since I hate the heat.  Funny because I live in Florida.  But if I were financially able, I would certainly move.  Somewhere where there is actual seasons, and the leaves change.  And maybe a little snow.  I am just tired of a year long summer.  We didn't have much cold weather this winter, so I know that means we will have a brutal summer.

I have been a little restless lately.  Too much time at home (due to this stupid ankle injury) will do that.  I have been thinking a lot.  And I have realized that I want a change.  Maybe it is the seven year itch.  But I think I want out of my marriage.  I have not been happy in quite some time.  And all my husband does is spend all his waking time outside on the back patio on Facebook.  We have grown apart physically and emotionally.  We don't even sleep in the same bed.  I sleep in my bed and he sleeps in the living room.  I am not sure if I even love him anymore.  Trust is gone out the window, years ago.  And once trust is broken, it's almost impossible to get back.  Not that he tries.  He continues to talk to women online.  I have told him this bothers me, yet he still does it.  So what does that say?  That speaks volumes.  He tells me that he doesn't talk to them about anything bad.  Not sure if I buy that, given his history with women online.  So I began to talk to someone too...I will not reveal his name on here.  I met him on Facebook through a mutual friend.  I will call him J.  He lives not too far from me, in Oviedo.  He is Muslim as well.  From Pakistan.  Very sweet guy.  He told me he has feelings for me beyond friendship.  Do I have feelings for him?  No.  Not romantic ones anyway.  My husband found out I had met him in person a few weeks ago.  But my husband didn't seem upset by it.  So that speaks volumes too.  I must admit that I am lonely.  I miss the touch of a man.  I miss hugging, cuddling, even just talking about the events of the day.

My husband and I are in counseling for the second time in four years.  He told the counselor he is mad when I take my brother somewhere.  Well, my husband does not like to go anywhere.  (My brother moved in with us last year, so I go places with him.)   My husband  would rather stay at home on Facebook.  So I take my brother.  My husband actually had the nerve to tell the counselor that he would rather me go somewhere alone than for someone to go with me.  If that is not selfishness, I don't know what is.  The counselor was actually speechless when he said this, as was I.   

My husband and I got married after knowing each other for only two days.  Yes, you read that right...two days.  HUGE mistake on my part.  I was swept away by his charm and humor...which seems all gone now.  I can't say I regret marrying him, because I have my beautiful six year old daughter, who I love more than life itself.  But I will tell anyone that is getting married...as Percy Sledge says..TAKE TIME TO KNOW HER-OR HIM! This is no exaggeration when I say my husband and I have absolutely NOTHING in common.  We don't like the same food, music, hobbies-NOTHING!  He knows nothing about what is going on in the news here either.  All he watches is Arabic TV online.  I try to talk to him about local or national events, and he has no clue what I am talking about.  It's frustrating.  And he has no involvement in our daughter's life either.  He never plays with her, because he is always outside on Facebook.  He has no green card or work permit, so it is impossible for him to get a good job.  He takes odd jobs here and there for money.  We are really struggling financially, because I lost my job last year, and the odd jobs he gets just don't cut it.  I am thinking of postponing my ankle surgery to get a job.  He does nothing to help me out around the house either.  He does not to ANY housework.  I feel like I am a single parent, because I do all the housework-I cook, clean, do laundry, put the laundry away, take care of Salaam, do her homework with her...it's exhausting, both physically and mentally.   My brother recently found a job, so hopefully that will help some.

My plans for the day are to stay warm.  :)  I try to focus on my future, when I am financially able to stand on my own two feet.  Hopefully this TENS machine will help my ankle so that I won't need the surgery.  I need three more classes to get my AA degree at Valencia.  I want to take the 40 hour childcare classes online so I can do that until I am able to finish college.  So that is the plan.  I have to focus on me and Salaam, and what is best for us.

I am a huge WWE fan.  I have been a wrestling fan since I was eight years old.  Some people say it's stupid.  I don't think it's stupid.  Sure, the story lines are scripted.  But they really can and do get hurt.  I enjoy watching it because it takes me away from my problems, if only for awhile.  Music does that for me as well.  My favorite wrestler is CM Punk, as you can tell from my profile picture on here.  He is Straight Edge, which means he doesn't drink, smoke, do drugs, or have promiscuous sex.  He is also tatted and pierced, like me.  So he is someone I can relate to.  And I think he made wrestling socially acceptable and cool again.  The WWE has a pay per view that is on tonight-Elimination Chamber.  I plan to watch it online, and hopefully get taken away from my worries and troubles...if only for awhile... 

 "Don't let these tattoos fool you.  I'm Straight Edge.  I'm a man of great discipline.  I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs.  My addiction is wrestling.  My obsession is competition.  Discipline.  My name is CM Punk."

Until next time...